WWE SmackDown - 4th of July

Hardcore Holly pinned Lance Storm with the Alabama Slam in 0:15:23 after the 
entire Boston crowd distracted Lance Storm. Read on to see how, I think you'll
be pleasantly surprised!
Rating: *** 3/4
Click here to see highlights.

Molly Holly pinned Torrie Wilson with the Molly-Go-Round in 0:10:02.
Rating: -* 3/4
(Ivory no-showed.)
Click here to see highlights.

Tazz defeated D-Von Dudley by disqualification in 0:02:22.
Rating: 1/2*
Click here to see highlights.

Al Snow and Maven defeated Billy & Chuck when Maven pinned Chuck with the
dropkick in 0:12:22.
Rating: DUD
(Al Snow and Maven won the World Tag Team Titles.)

Rey Misterio Jr. pinned The Hurricane with the Top-Rope Frankensteiner in 
0:21:42. It totally rocked because Misterio did all of his old kick-ass moves!
Rating: *****
Click here to see highlights.

Chris Jericho made Faarooq submit to the The Walls of Jericho in 0:08:11.
Rating: 3/4*

The Undertaker pinned Test with the Tombstone in 0:11:56.
Rating: 1/2*
(The Undertaker retained the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship.)
Click here to see highlights.

Tajiri pinned Hulk Hogan after a brutal kick to the head in 0:22:11.
Rating: *** 1/2
Click here to see highlights.



Match observations: 

SmackDown began with a shot of the sell-out, completely full, Boston crowd for a
very special 4th of July edition of the show! The capacity crowd was decked out
in patriotic US gear and everyone in the arena, including hosts Michael Cole and
Tazz, had tiny American flags to celebrate America's birthday!

As a special presentation, ring announcer Lillian Garcia came out huge applause
to sing a rousing rendition of "America the Beautiful". Unfortunately, as she
reached the climax of the song, her microphone shorted out much to the dismay of
the enthralled crowd. Just then, the arena's PA system played Kate Smith's "God
Bless America" and out came...Lance Storm! Storm was decked out in a costume
reminiscent of that which founding father George Washington might have worn while
commanding his troops, complete with a powdered wig and tri-corner hat. Storm
ran to the ring with a replacement mic and offered it to Lillian, then offered
to sing along with her from the top. The two performed an amazing rendition of
the song, with Storm singing not unlike an angel. But the crowd booed him.

Storm then got on the mic and said he understood why the crowd hated him, 
because he was a dirty, stinking Canadian and, like all Canadians, he desereved
nothing less than complete contempt. Storm pointed out that Canadians like to
consider themselves popular in other countries, but he knows that while US 
citizens have earned grudging respect because of their success and tenacity,
Canadians are secretly made fun of for being the planet's biggest dorks. The
crowd continued to boo Storm for making fun of their beloved neighbours to the
North, but Storm said that he so loved the US that he had a special announcement
for the Boston crowd - he was going to become a US citizen!

The crowd started to throw trash in the ring, but Storm continued on, talking
about how the founding fathers bravely overthrew tyrannical dictators from
England, something Canada never had the guts to do. He talked about how America
pretty much singlehandedly saved humankind in the World Wars and about how
America staved on Communism and bailed out the French - who, Storm added, were
like Canadians only with a real film industry - in Vietnam.

This was too much for Hardcore Holly, who came out to huge applause from the
livid Boston crowd. Holly again yelled at Storm for running down America's best
friend, Canada. He noted that Canada contributed its valuable special forces to
help the Allies during WWII's Project Overlord and then talked about how Canada
has contributed to the world with its fine comedic actors like Michael J. Fox,
John Candy and, to a much, much lesser extent, Dan Akroyd! Then Holly said "This
one is for Canada!" and kicked Storm in the balls and demanded they have a match
right away.

It turned out to be an excelledt techincal match with a number of stunningly
executed dropkicks. Storm appeared to have the match in hand after hitting a 
crisp Superkick following a well-planned double dropkick spot, but amazingly,
the entire Boston crowd rose to its feet at once and performed an impromptu but
heartfelt version of "O Canada", which enraged and confused Storm, leaving him
open for an Alabama Jam and a pin from Holly. Holly then joined the crowd in
another run through of the popular Canadian National Anthem.

In the back, Maven was sitting in a make-up chair getting ready for a TV spot
promoting the upcoming Tough Enough 3. Little did he realize that the make-up
artist was actually a disguised Rico Constantino, who had a sinister container
of NADS Hair Removing Gel.

As the Undertaker arrived at the arena, Cole gave an update on Rikishi who, in
a completely unrelated incident, showed up on Raw and tried to run over Brock
Lesnar before being completely destroyed and put through the roof of his car.
Rikishi's ass actually saved him from too much damage and though he was still
in the hospital recuperating, there was a chance he could be on SmackDown next
week. Meanwhile, the Undertaker tracked down Test and asked Test do him a favor
and use his immunity to show up on Raw and take care of some business. Test
angrily responded that he knew what UT wanted him to do and there was no way
he was going to get involved punched him in the face and said he's school his
ass in the ring...tonight!

Molly Holly had been scheduled to take on Ivory for the women's title, but Ivory
had mysteriously disappeared earlier, so Torrie Wilson agreed to fill in. Even
though she can't wrestle, Torrie Wilson somehow got an advantage in the match 
but lost when Jerry Lawler rolled out from under the ring and tripped her to
cost her the match.

Lawler took off to the back, but Mark Loyd caught up with him and asked him why
he helped Molly. Lawler admitted that he was the one who locked Ivory in a room
earlier to make sure she couldn't face Molly, and said that he helped Molly 
retain because, if she lost on SmackDown, she'd be stranded there and would 
never be on Raw, preventing Lawler from noting that she had a big ass. At that
point, WWE road agent Fit Finlay walked into the interview area and punched
Lawler hard enough that the King went sprawling backwards into a bunch of those
infamous clangy poles.

During all this, Tazz took the opportunity to go backstage and talk to his pal
Hulk Hogan. Hogan was still angry with himself for losing their tag match last
week and said that he didn't think he had it anymore, and maybe it really was
time to retire Hulkamania. Tazz said that Hogan only lost because Angle tripped
him up, and that Hulkamania was still alive. Hogan was still depressed, but
Tazz said that he should go out there tonight and prove it to himself one way
or another by taking on Tajiri, and that Tazz would be there at ringside to 
make sure Angle couldn't ruin things this time. Hogan shook Tazz' hand and said
"Thanks, brah!" and went off to make sure the match would be signed. After he
left, the Reverend D-Von came up to Tazz and said that he was busy writing a
eulogy for Hulkamania, pissing Tazz off.

Back in the make-up room, Maven realized at the last second that the make-up
artist was actually Rico and that Rico was going to apply NADS The Hair Remover
to Maven's eyebrows! Rico said it was true, that he was horrified and offended
by Maven's eyebrows and was going to take matters into his own hands. Before
Maven could beat Rico up, Billy & Chuck ran in and attacked him. Luckily, Al
Snow made the save and this set up a Billy & Chuck vs. Snow and Maven match for
the titles instead of Billy & Chuck vs. Funaki and Mark Henry or whatever other
shitty match it would have been instead.

Tazz made his way back to the ring area and demanded D-Von face him in the ring
for badmouthing Hulkamania. D-Von agreed and came to the ring with Bautista, but
the Human Suplex Hulkamaniac seemed to have things in hand anyway until that
no-good Kurt Angle came out and attacked Tazz for a DQ ending. Angle, Bautista
and D-Von continued to beat up Tazz until Hogan came out for the save, but the
damage was already done and Tazz was taken to the back for medical attention.

In the back, The Undertaker forced his way into Vince McMahon's office to talk
with the WWE owner. Vince was angry and sent his personal assistant, Stacy, away
but promised that they would have "lots of hardcore sex" later like they do all
the time. UT demanded a match with Test later so he could teach him respect. He
then suggested that Vince wasn't treating the Rock fairly, which shocked Vince.
UT noted that his title match two Raws ago against The Rock had a suspect ending
and that it wasn't fair to suspend a guy who probably deserved another shot at
the title. Vince was still taken aback and was about to refuse when UT suggested
that Rock have a chance to earn his way back and to a title shot by facing Brock
Lesnar at Vengence for the SummerSlam title shot. Vince and UT then laughed in 
an evil manner, but Vince quickly said he'd have to think it over.

At that point, UT was shooed out of the office by none other than an angry
Kelsey Grammer, star of TV's Frasier! The furious Grammer presented Vince with
a bill for his dry cleaning because he had been vomited on by Tommy Dreamer on
Raw. Vince told Grammer to get the hell out and that there was no way he was
going to pay for it. Grammer got even angrier and vowed vengence on Vince, and
said that Vince had no idea who he was messing with.

Billy & Chuck lost the tag titles to Al Snow and Maven.

Backstage again, new WWE sensations John Cena and Randy Orton were in a room
filled with computer equipment doing live chats and interviews and streaming
crap and all that stuff for WWE.com. Unfortunatley, Chris Jericho happened by
at that point and realized what they were doing, then took a chair and destroyed
all the WWE.com equipment and screamed about how the Internet sucks. Cena and
Orton took exception to this, but Jericho continued to freak out about the 
Internet and smashed the two of them with the chair and left them out cold. At
THAT moment, Faarooq walked by the room, saw the carnage and said "Damn!",
setting up a match with Jericho later.

In the ring, an upset Hurricane showed footage of his cage match last week and
pointed out that Jamie Noble (boy) only won because Rey Misterio showed up and
hit a flying headscissors on top of the cage that sent Noble (boy) to the floor.
Misterio came out to a huge pop and tried to apologize to Hurricane, not unlike
when he apologized to Sting that time on Nitro, but Hurricane said they could
settle things with a #1 contender's match, and I guess guys can just book their
own #1 contender matches now, because they proceeded to have one.

And what a match! All those jerks on the Internet are saying Misterio won't be
that good anymore, but screw them because this was awesome and Rey hit all his
coolest moves and it was great and I loved it and Misterio is super-terrific.
Towards the end of the match, Nidia came out and instructed several guys in 
wifebeaters and mullets to bring out Jamie Noble (boy), who was in a wheelchair
from the fall he took last week, so he could scout out whoever his opponent 
would be. Only, see, his wheelchair didn't have any wheels and when they put
him on stage, they put it up on cinderblocks. Because he's a white trash
redneck. Heh heh. Get it?

Jericho came out and kicked Faarooq's ass because he was still really pissed
about the Internet thing, and then got on the mic and said this was one of his
best matches ever and if people on a little thing he liked to call the 
InterSHIT (this got bleeped, and really, it's not even that funny, because net
and shit don't sound that much alike) didn't think so, well, screw them!

The Undertaker took on Test for the WWE Undisputed title and must have been
angry at Test refusing to do whatever it is he was planning to have him do on
Raw because he kicked his ass, old school. At the end, however, Triple H hit the
ring and nailed UT with a Pedigree. He then demanded that he get a shot at the
Undisputed Title-uh at the PPV because there was no one on SmackDown who 
deserved it more and he'd be on Raw on Monday to prove that no one there should
have it over him, either. He then gave Test a Pedigree, too, just because.

In the back, an angry Chris Jericho was wandering around in the locker room area
and noticed a Palm i715. Jericho was angry because the impressive gadget allowed
access to the Internet and he was going to destroy it when he realized who it
belonged to...THE GAME-UH! Jericho looked around the locker room and suddenly
lost interest in the powerful Palm i715 when he found The Golden Ticket! And
then he grabbed it and took off! Uh oh!

In the main event, The Immortal Hulk Hogan came out to Voodoo Child (Slight 
Return) because Kurt Angle still had possession of Real American. This didn't
bother the overjoyed, flag-wavin', Independence Day-celebratin' Boston crowd,
though, because they were just happy to see a true American hero like The 
Hulkster. Hogan took on Tajiri in a surprisingly good match and at the end, had
things all wrapped up when that lousy, rotten Kurt Angle came out and tripped
Hogan with the neckband for his Olympic Gold Medals, leaving Hogan open to a 
deadly kick to the head and pin by Tajiri. The crowd was livid and tossed more
garbage into the ring as Angle and Tajiri did the Hogan posedown to Real 
American, while a dejected Hulk Hogan ran to the back. 

In the back, Hogan yelled "That's it, brah, Hulkamania is DEAD!", but the 
injured Tazz hobbled out and begged the Hulkster to come to SmackDown next week
so Tazz could show him that there was still hope for Hulkamania. Hogan looked
Tazz right in the eye, and the terror of Red Hook looked like he might even be
tearing up a little. Just as the end credits flashed up on the screen, Hogan
turned to walk out the door, then looked back and said "I don't know, dude,
I just don't know," and walked out of the arena.