SmackDown - The Fate of Hulkamania

John Cena and Randy Orton battled to a no contest after both men were taken out
by Pedigrees as Triple H held the show hostage in 0:01:51.
Rating: *3/4

Match To Determine If God Actually Exists: D-Von Dudley and Bautista battled to 
a no contest and the determination of god's nature was left without a definitive
answer when HHH gave Pedigrees to both men while still holding the show hostage
in 0:01:24.
Rating: -**

Shannon Moore, Tajiri and TAKA Michinoku battled The Hurricane, Billy Kidman 
and Funaki to a no contest in exciting lucha-style six-man action when Triple H
hit all six men with a Pedigree each in 0:03:43.
Rating: **
Click here to see highlights.

Billy Gunn pinned Chuck after a DDT in 0:12:03. Nah, I'm just shittin' ya. This
was another No Contest after Triple H hit both guys with Pedigrees while still
holding the show hostage. He let Billy get in a dropkick, though, because of
D-X and all.
Rating: 3/4*

Molly Holly defeated Ivory by disqualification (or, if you prefer, by
assqualification) in 0:11:34.
Rating: * 1/2
(Molly Holly retained the Women's Championship.)
Click here to see highlights.

No-Time-Limit-Match:
Rey Misterio Jr. pinned Chavo Guerrero Jr. with the Top-Rope Frankensteiner in
0:32:25.
Rating: ****** (That's right, SIX stars!)
Click here to see highlights.

Despite being Canadian, Lance Storm pinned Faarooq with the Cradle Piledriver 
in 0:08:11 with a little help from fellow loser Canadian Christian.
Rating: -1/2*

Maven and Al Snow defeated Albert and Christian when Maven pinned Christian
with The Dropkick in 0:14:53 because Christian is Canadian and therefore is a
loser.
Rating: 1/2*
(Maven and Al Snow retained the World Tag Team Titles. Christian retained the
loser status associated with being Canadian in this angle.)

The Undertaker pinned Tazz with the Tombstone in 0:15:06.
Rating: ** 1/4
(The Undertaker retained the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship.)
Click here to see highlights.



Match observations: 

SmackDown opened with a great camera angle of a totally full are-

"IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!"

Screw that shit, HHH is out! HHH came out to the ring and threw Lilian Garcia
out and took the mic and then posed for a solid five minutes and spit water out
of his mouth for about another minute and then finally started talking about how
that bastard Chris Jericho had stolen his Golden Ticket and prevented The Game
from appearing on Raw. Footage played of HHH beating up the entire security 
force outside on Raw, then staring down and sparing the lives of a fully armed
SWAT team. HHH demanded Jericho come out and bring him his Golden Ticket and get
Pedigreed, and then said he would take the show hostage until Jericho came out.

Rookie sensations John Cena and Randy Orton came to the ring, eager to have 
their scheduled match against each other and show their stuff to make names for
themselves as today's future stars of the WWE. They explained to HHH that they
were supposed to have a match and HHH said go ahead, but he refused to leave the
ring. The two warily tried to have a match, but instead, HHH hit them both with
Pedigrees and the match was declared no contest. HHH then got on the mic again
and demanded Jericho show himself.

In the back, a troubled Deacon Bautista revealed to Reverend D-Von that he had
been troubled with dreams of the suffering of humanity and had begun to doubt
that god existed, for what kind of god would allow his people to suffer so.
D-Von was shaken by Bautista's sudden crisis of faith and said that he could not
allow Bautista to wander from the path and forsake the lord. D-Von said that 
there was only one way he could prove that god did indeed exist, and that would
be to fight Bautista one-on-one and if god existed, surely he would give D-Von
the power to beat the massive Baustista, but if there was no god, than without
question would Bautista destroy Reverend D-Von. Bautista agreed and the two
went to the ring to have a match that would determine once and for all the
truth behind the nature of god's existence.

In the ring, HHH continued to spit water and demand Jericho come to the ring 
with the Golden Ticket. Instead, D-Von and Baustista came out to have their
match to prove whether or not there is a god. Instead, the match was declared a
no contest and the nature of god's being was left in doubt when HHH hit both
men with Pedigrees and threw them out of the ring.

Finally, WWE security had enough and came out to the ring area to escort HHH
away, but instead, he did the HHH pose and they all were so frightened that they
took off and ran out of the arena and left HHH in the ring.

Next up, Tajiri, a returning TAKA Michinoku and a debuting Shannon Moore came
out to take on Billy Kidman, The Hurricane and Sho Funaki in what promised to
be exciting, lucha-rules, fast-pased six-man tag action. Then they all took
Pedigrees while HHH kept yelling for Jericho to come out and the match was 
declared a No Decision.

Back in their locker room, Billy and Chuck argued about which one of them was
responsible for the team losing their tag titles against Al Snow and Maven
last week. Before things could turn into a slap fight, an angry Rico came into
the room and said that both of them sucked and they were both to blame. Then
he tore off his fake giant sideburns and said "For chrissake, I was a winner
on the goddamned American Gladiators and now I'm supposed to be a gay stylist
for you two? I kicked Nitro's ass and knocked Gemini over in Human fucking
Cannonball! Screw this!" Then he told the two of them to settle things like
men and face each other in the ring.

Billy and Chuck went to the ring to settle things like men as Rico suggested.
Pedigree. Dropkick attempt. No sale. Pedigree. No Contest. "JERICHOOOO!" You
get the idea.

Finally, thankfully, at last, Chris Jericho appeared on the SmackDown screens
and laughed at HHH. He pointed out to HHH that the Golden Ticket gave him the
choice to appear on both the Raw and SmackDown brands, but it didn't mean he
HAD to appear on both. Jericho revealed that, since HHH wasn't allowed to be on
Raw, Jericho would just stay on Raw forever and that way, he'd never have to
deal with HHH again. Jericho said that he was in the city, but there was no way
he'd come to the arena. He then laughed at HHH again and told the camera to cut
the feed. Then it came back on and Jericho said that the Internet still sucks.
Then he cut the feed again. HHH was infuriated and Pedgireed a few ringside
officials before leaving the arena to look for Jericho.

Molly Holly took on Ivory to make up for the match Ivory missed last week when
Jerry Lawler locked her in a room so she couldn't face and possibly beat Molly.
Molly had the match in hand when Jerry Lawler ran out through the crowd and
threw a giant novelty ass paddle like they have in really stupid college movies
and instructed Ivory to hit Molly in the ass with it, because she has a big ass.
This ended up in a DQ, of course. Lawler got in the ring and took the paddle
back and danced around, ready to use the paddle on Molly, but Rikishi ran down
to the ring and chased Lawler off, then helped Molly up.

In the back, noted self-loathing Canadian Lance Storm was telling disinterested
and downright angry WWE superstars about how Canada sucks and everything and
everyone who comes from Canada is inferior to their American counterparts. While
the WWE superstars fumed at Storm's comments about their neighbour to the north,
Storm proceeded to talk about how stupid a sport hockey was, with all those ties
and how losing a game and losing it in overtime gives you different points or
some shit, and how no self-respecting country would ever look at hockey as 
anything above the 4th most popular sport. Storm suggested that the only reason
Canadians can even make it through hockey is because they drink a lot of beer. 
Storm said that Canada was a nation of zero-personality borderline alcholics and
that any country that prides itself on needing to put more alcohol in its beer
so the residents could drink away the reality of their pathetic lives is pretty
sad. At this point, while Storm ran down Canadian beer, Faarooq happened by
and said "Damn!", so they would have a match later.

Back in the ring, #1 cruiserweight contender Rey Misterio Jr. took on the 
underrated Chavo Guerrero Jr. in a cruiser exhibition match. Misterio broke
out just about all of his old incredible moves and a few new ones and the crowd
was literally moved to have been allowed to witness such an amazing match and
performance by Misterio and it got six stars. Elsewhere, that redneck cruiser
champ Jamie Noble, boy, listened to the match on the radio. Because he's too
poor or redneck-y to have a TV, I guess.

A depressed Vince McMahon was met in his office by the Undisputed World Champion
Undertaker. Vince explained that he'd just gotten word from his lawyers that
Kelsey Grammer was filiing for a $400 million suit against WWE Entertainment
Inc, over his vomit-damaged suit and emotional distress which resulted. Vince
noted that he was too depressed to even have his daily naked hot tub orgy with 
Stacy and Dawn Marie. UT told McMahon that he had some news that might cheer him
up in the short run - that now that Kane had returned, after this coming Monday 
when Kane took on Brock Lesnar for the hardcore title, Vince wouldn't even need
to unsuspend the Rock.

Lance Storm took on Faarooq and, despite his continued Canadian-ness, actually
won the match when fellow Canadian Christian wandered near ringside and 
distracted Faarooq. But was it intentional? Is he in cahoots with Storm?

Yes. And yes.

In the back, a nervous Tazz waited for Hulk Hogan to arrive so Tazz could try
to convince Hogan one last time not to put an end to Hulkamania. While he
waited, the Undertaker happened by and called Tazz an orange midget with a 
stupid haircut. He then told Tazz that Dead Man Inc. had buried Hulkamania over
a decade ago, and all that's been left of Hogan since then is a rotten corpse.
Tazz flew off the handle at that and attacked the Undertaker, who backed off and
told Tazz to save it for the ring...where they'd be meeting tonight for the
Undisputed Title!

Albert and Christian had nothing to do, so they teamed up to take on Maven and
Al Snow for the WWE tag titles. Christian was pinned.

Backstage, Lance Storm waited to congratulate Snow and Maven on an impressive
title defense. He explained that Christian lost because Christian is Canadian
and therefore a complete waste of a human being. By this time, Christian had
made his way to the back (Albert left through the crowd or was beamed up by a
spaceship or something, who cares) and heard Storm making fun of him for his
national heritage. Christian got in Storm's face and then...shook Storm's hand
and said that Storm was right, that he DID lose because he's Canadian and thus
is a big loser and can't compete with real, American WWE stars. Storm turned
his attention back to the tag champs and noted that Maven was a former teacher
before winning Tough Enough. Storm asked Maven if he could tutor Storm for his
upcoming citizenship test so that he could stop being a good-for-nothing
Canadian and become a citizen of the greatest nation on Earth, the United States
of America. Maven said that it just so happens that he can actually GIVE the
citizenship test (what a coincidence!), but he also said that Storm doesn't
deserve to take it because he'd never be a true American if he didn't love his
fellow North Americans, the wonderful Canadians. Storm and Christian responded
by angrily punking out Snow and Maven.

Hulk Hogan finally arrived in the arena, wearing his street clothes, and tracked
down Tazz in the back. Hogan told Tazz that he'd made up his mind, that from
this day forward, Hulkamania was dea---before he could finish, Tazz cut him off
and told Hogan about what had happened with the Undertaker earlier and that he
was getting ready to face him for the World Title in the main event. Hogan's
face went white-orange at this and Hogan begged Tazz to drop out of the match.
Hogan recounted when the Undertaker destroyed him and sent Hulkamania to an
early grave over a decade ago. He admitted that there was no way that he could
beat UT today and again begged Tazz not to take the match, to just walk away.
Tazz refused and said that he was going to take the match because he had 
something that Hogan didn't have anymore, but it was something that, starting
tonight, Hogan was going to get back. And that something, according to Tazz, is
THE EYE OF THE TIGER! With that, Tazz brought out the man he'd called up, fellow
mohawk enthusiast and Hogan fan...MR. T! 

Hogan was stunned when Mr. T walked into the room, and T told Hogan that he
pitied the shell of a man that Hogan had become, and that Hogan needed to find
the Eye of the Tiger and get back to spreading the power of Hulkamania. Tazz
left the two old friends alone and left to prepare for his match.

Elsewhere in Atlantic City, camera crews caught up to HHH, who had tracked Chris
Jericho down to the Taj Mahal on the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

Back at the arena, Tazz took on The Undertaker in a match for the Undisputed
World Title. Still buzzing after the return of Kane on Raw, the Undertaker
dominated most of the match until the end, when Tazz rallied for a comeback
and put UT in the Tazzmission. At that point, that no-good Kurt Angle came out
of the crowd and pulled Tazz off while the ref was distracted and allowed UT
to nail the Tombstone for the win. The Undertaker left, but Angle stayed in the
ring and continued to beat on Tazz until Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" played, 
sending the crowd into a frenzy as Mr. T and Hulk Hogan came out from the back.
Angle stopped attacking Tazz and took a mic and asked the sound crew to play HIS
theme, "Real American", but they refused. An angry Angle then said that he had
no idea who the guy wtih Hogan was, so the crowd started a "Mr. T! Mr. T!" 
chant. Angle said he'd never heard of Mr. T, rightly angering the crowd, and
went on to say that when he watched TV in the 80s, he watched for real tough
guys like The Kid on "The Fall Guy" and real American heroes like Roscoe P.
Coltrane and his faithful dog Flash from "The Dukes of Hazzard". Angle said he
didn't know what this eye of the tiger crap was, but he'd be happy to kick
Hogan's butt on SmackDown next week if he wanted. Mr. T grabbed a mic and said
that the Hulkster would be busy next week, training, saying his prayers, taking
his vitamins and drinking his milk so he could throw Angle at the PPV. But T
pointed out that he could take a few minutes to come pity angle in the ring
next week. Angle agreed, and thus a match was signed for the next SmackDown:
Kurt Angle vs. Mr. T!

As the credits came up, we went back to HHH at the Taj Mahal as he raced up a
flight of steps to a helipad on the roof. As he came through the door, he was
just in time to see Chris Jericho leaning out of a helicopter as it took off.
Jericho waved the Golden Ticket at HHH as he flew away and HHH looked up at
the helicopter intensely before yelling "JERICHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" to end
the show.