Raw: Terrifying Title-free Tag Team Turmoil!

The Undertaker pinned Mike Awesome with the Tombstone in 0:10:27.
Rating: * 1/2
(The Undertaker retained the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship.)

Jerry Lawler and Trish Stratus defeated Molly Holly and Fit Finlay when Lawler
pinned Finlay after a roll up after Finlay accidentally took a Stinkface from
Molly in 0:10:51.
Rating: * 3/4
Click here to see highlights.

Matt Hardy and Rob Van Dam defeated Raven and D'Lo Brown when Van Dam defeated
Raven by disqualification in 0:26:32.
Rating: *** 1/4
Click here to see highlights.

Buh Buh Ray Dudley and Tommy Dreamer defeated Chris Nowinski and William Regal
when Buh Buh pinned Nowinski after a sitdown in 0:15:48. Did vomit come into
play? Only one way to know for sure, friends.
Rating: -** 3/4
Click here to see highlights.

Chris Jericho made Bradshaw submit to the The Walls of Jericho in 0:12:06.
Rating: ** 1/4

Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero defeated Arn Anderson and Ric Flair when
E. Guerrero pinned Flair with the Frog Splash in 0:27:47.
Rating: ** 1/4
Click here to see highlights.

No-Countout-No-DQ-Number-One-Contenders-Four Corners Match:
Kane defeated Planet Stasiak, Jeff Hardy and The Big Show when Kane pinned Show
 with the Tombstone in 0:19:22.
Rating: -1/4*

Black Gold defeated New World Order (Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels) when Goldust
pinned Michaels with the Bulldog in 0:16:48.
Rating: *** 1/2
Click here to see highlights.



Match observations: 

Raw is War opened up as a black limo pulled up outside and out stepped the New
World Order. As the nWo headed into the First Union Center, Kevin Nash talked to
the nWo about how it was time for the nWo to move onto bigger and better things
and take out Booker and Goldust once and for all. Nash then tripped on a curb
and fell onto the pavement and the nWo ran over to check on him, but Nash said
he was OK and didn't hurt himself.

Also arriving at the arena was an all-too-pleased with himself Chris Jericho,
who forced security to allow him access to the arena by shoving the Golden 
Ticket he had stolen from HHH on SmackDown in their faces. Jericho reminded the
security guards that only Raw wrestlers, the World Champ or the holder of the 
Golden Ticket were allowed in the arena. And he also reminded them that the 
Internet still sucks ass.

In the ring, the Undisputed World Champion Undertaker stood with a microphone 
and badmouthed the superstars of the WWE, telling them that he had Hoss business
and was willing to let someone earn his respect by doing him a favor, but no one
was tough enough. A returning Mike Awesome was greeted by a "You Sold Out!" 
chant (those Philly fans don't forget!) and said he could kick the Undertaker's
ass. UT said it wasn't his ass that needed kicking and demanded Awesome face
him right now and show he was Hoss enough to get things done.

UT and Awesome had an impromptu world title match that UT dominated. During the
match, JR said he'd just gotten word in the back that Paul Heyman and Brock 
Lesnar had arrived in the building. At that very moment, the Undertaker suddenly
froze up in the ring and almost lost the match to Awesome, but he quickly 
snapped out of it and finished off Awesome, then hurried out through the crowd
while yelling for a cell phone, screaming that he needed to call someone.

Outside, an irate HHH arrived and tried to enter the arena, but security told
him that he didn't have proper permission to enter the building tonight. HHH
offered to show them his permission, then gave the head of security a Pedigree
while another guard called for backup.

In the back, Kevin Nash met up with Matt Hardy and explained why he'd been 
helping Matt out in the past few weeks. Nash told Hardy that he knew he was
starting to get a little old and that his bicep injury sent a message that he
was getting a little fragile and wouldn't be able to hang around in the WWE
forever. Nash said that he couldn't bear to know that, if he suddenly and
unexpectedly went down with an injury, there would be no one left to carry on
his legacy of great hair. Nash explained to Matt that, even though Matt wasn't
properly taking care of it, Nash could sense in him the potential for a truly
wonderful head of hair and that Nash was exactly the guy who could teach him the
ropes of proper hair care. Nash pointed out that Matt's brother Jeff was a 
complete lost cause, but Matt said that Jeff could still be seperated from
Raven. Nash said he wasn't talking about Raven, he was talking about how Jeff
had completely destroyed his own head of hair and that Nash didn't want to see
Matt go down the same path. Nash said that Matt had to consider cutting ties
with the Team Extreme lifestyle forever and consider joining Nash in the nWo 
where Nash could make him into his protege. Matt said he would consider and 
left. Nash looked after him and started to leave, too, but then he tripped on
a camera cable and fell down a flight of stairs. Matt and the camera crew ran
back to see if Nash was badly hurt, but Nash got up and said that he managed to
roll down the steps and didn't hurt himself.

Elsewhere in the arena, Molly Holly received a special delivery, a package from
a "Mister Beegazz". Molly opened the package and it was a tape recorder with a
tape that just had Jerry Lawler saying "You have a big ass!" over and over. Fit
Finlay heard this and told Molly not to worry, that the two of them would beat
the shit out of Lawler in their mixed tag match against Lawler and Trish.

Meanwhile, back outside, HHH had Pedigreed five more security guards but twenty
more ran up to him and tackled him, but HHH did one of those He-Man things where
he sent all of them flying.

Molly Holly and Fit Finlay took on Jerry Lawler and Trish Stratus in mixed-tag
action. Molly and Trish had quite a few good sequences during the match, but
Jerry Lawler got the crowd to chant "She's a fat ass!" every time that happened
and needless to say, Fit Finlay was pretty pissed, and he's Irish or Scottish or
some shit, so you don't want to do that. The end came when Finlay was whipped
into the corner and then Lawler and Trish did the old schoolyard bully bit where
Lawler pushed Molly backwards over Trish and Molly hilariously collided ass-
first into Finlay's face and Finlay was all "I can't breathe!" and Molly ran out
crying and JR laughed and called her a fatass and Finlay stumbled around the
ring gasping for air and Lawler rolled him up for the win. Ha ha!

In the back, Matt Hardy headed to his locker room to talk to Jeff about what
Kevin Nash haid said about hair and the nWo, but Raven was waiting outside the
locker room and told Matt that he wasn't allowed in to see Jeff. Matt got pissed
and told Raven to get out of his way, but D-Lo Brown attacked him from behind.
Raven and D-Lo beat on Matt until RVD arrived and sent the two running when he
pointed menacingly at his shoulders with his thumbs.

Back outside, HHH had successfully fought off twenty five security guards when
local police arrived and tried to restrain him with tasers and billy clubs, but
HHH did that pose thing, said he was The Game-Uh and then started kicking their
asses all over the place.

JR filled in the audience with info that doctors had said that RVD had finally
recovered sufficiently from the brutal injuries he had sustained at the hands of
Brock Lesnar at King of the Ring several weeks ago and could now wrestle a full
match as long as he didn't take anymore severe trauma. He and Matt teamed up
to take on Raven and D-Lo Brown. Throughout the match, at Raven's urging, D-Lo
viciously attacked RVD while Matt continually tried to get his hands on Raven
to no avail. As the match drew to a close, Jeff Hardy danced like an idiot down
to ringside, pulled a huge ladder out from under the ring, set it up and climbed
to the top, where he sat perched while Matt tried to talk him down. RVD fought
off Raven and D-Lo and nailed the Five Star Frogsplash, but before he could go
for the pin, Jeff leaped from the ladder outside the ring over Matt and into the
ring and nailed a dangerous swanton bomb on RVD in the ring for a DQ. After the
ring, Matt asked Jeff what the hell he was doing, but Jeff told Matt it was time
they started listening to someone who could help their careers, Raven. An angry
Matt stormed out of the ring.

In Vince McMahons' office, Tough Enough 2 winner Jackie suggestively ate a 
banana as Vince sat at his desk and gave his comical gulp. Then he said "That 
reminds me of the oral sex you permormed on me in the past and will perform on
me again in a few minutes!" Kevin Nash barged into the room and demanded a word
with Vince, but Vince said he was too busy worrying about the letter he'd just
gotten saying that Kelsey Grammer was going to be at SmackDown with his lawyers.
Nash just asked Vince to make the main event a tag match, nWo vs. Booker and
Goldust. Vince agreed and Nash turned to leave, but he slipped on the peel of
the banana that Jackie had been eating and almost died. But he was OK.

Buh Buh Ray Dudley and Tommy Dreamer teamed up to take on William Regal and that
no-good Harvard graduate Chris Nowinski. As you can imagine, there was some
awesome puke humor and the puke played into the finish when Nowinski lost his 
grip on the hurl-covered Buh Buh Ray Dudley while trying a sunset flip and got
pinned. PSYCHOLOGY~!

In the back, Paul Heyman talked a lot. After talking about himself, then ECW, 
then himself, then himself AND ECW, he finally got around to mentioning that
ever since Brock Lesnar had won the Hardcore title by absolutely destroying 
Bradshaw two weeks ago, everyone was too afraid of the Next Big Thing to use
the 24-7 rule. Heyman called out anyone tough enough or stupid enough to compete
in a hardcore brawl to determine a contender for the Hardcore title for next
week and promised Brock wouldn't get involved. Planet Stasiak came out and said
that he was stupid enough to enter into the match. Kevin Nash wandered by at
that moment and said that Brock Lesnar might be the Next Big Thing, but he'd 
never be as big as the nWo and said that he'd send the Big Show out to be in the
match. Nash then brushed back his hair and walked off, but slipped in a trail
of vomit that Dreamer and Dudley had brought back with them and damn near broke
his leg, but he was OK.

Elsewhere, the Undertaker sat in an empty arena office and hung up a cell phone,
then said to no one in particular that he had someone who was going to not only
enter the hardcore contender match, but win in and then kick Lesnar's ass so
the Rock wouldn't have to be un-suspended for the PPV. Then he noticed the 
cameraman and ran out of the office.

Chris Jericho wandered the halls backstage whistling Fozzy's new hit single 
"Screw You, Internet Jackoff!". As he turned a corner, he bumped into none other
than former hardcore champion Bradshaw! JR informed the audience that Bradshaw
had finally been released from the hospital but was still suffering from major
injuries. Bradshaw backed away from Jericho after Jericho bumped into him and
started to apologize, but Jericho said that wasn't good enough and started
pushing the contrite Texan around.

Outside, HHH continued to fight off the local police despite their use of tasers
and mace and knightsticks and approached the entrance to the arena.

Back inside, Jericho bullied Bradshaw down to the ring and forced him into a 
match, then beat the crap out of him and made him submit to the Walls of
Jericho. As Jericho taunted Bradshaw in the ring, the Titantron showed HHH 
entering the arena and yelling "JERICHOOOOOO-UH!" so loud that they could 
actually hear him without the aid of any audio equipment. Jericho took off in
a panic.

Backstage, HHH started to walk through the halls, but a fully armed SWAT team
arrived with full riot gear and automatic weapons and demanded HHH leave. HHH
contemplated giving them Pedigrees and stared down the highly-trained assault
team for a good ten minutes and a few of them probably pissed their pants, but
then HHH agreed to leave the building.

In another part of the arena, Arn Anderson was apologizing to Ric Flair for his
poor decision in attacking Buh Buh Ray Dudley last week. Arn admitted that he
was just trying to make the right choice for the Horsemen legacy, but agreed
that if Flair though Benoit and Guerrero weren't good enough anymore, that he'd
stand by Flair just like always and the two of them could team up one more time
to teach Benoit and Guerrero what it REALLY meant to be a Horsemen. Flair and
Arn shook hands and then made the Horsemen symbol to each other.

In the nWo locker room, Kevin Nash arrived and said that, since Big Show was 
going to compete in the Hardcore Contender match, it would have to be Nash and
X-Pac vs. Booker and Goldust tonight. As Nash went to leave to get his gear,
he walked right into a coffee table and smashed his leg right into it and 
screamed "OH GOD, IT'S BROKEN!". X-Pac, Show and HBK ran over and HBK said "You
broke your leg, Kev?!" and Nash laughed and said "No, the coffee table broke,"
and all four nWo members had a huge laugh because Nash hadn't been injured at
all, is the thing.

Benoit and Eddie took on Arn Anderson and Ric Flair to settle Horsemen business
and put on a solid match that had a stunning ending when Arn Anderson turned on
his best damn friend in the whole damn world and helped Benoit and Guerrero
beat Flair. Arn then mocked Flair's strut as the crowd stared on in shock. The
Enforcer cut a killer promo on the fallen Flair, telling him that time had 
passed him by and that the legacy of the Four Horsemen was bigger than the
Enforcer and bigger than even the Natureboy. Arn talked about how Flair had gone
soft over the past few years and kept letting in people like Mongo McMichael and
Curt Hennig and was now willing to walk to the ring with Buh Buh Ray Dudley. He
said that Dudley didn't deserve to be mentioned with Horsemen greats like Tully
Blanchard or Paul Roma. He then told Flair that all this time, while Flair let
himself be made a fool of by Eric Bischoff or Vince Russo or Vince McMahon or
even - yeah, he said it - Stone Cold Steve Austin, Flair was letting the legacy
of the Four Horsemen go to waste even though two clear standard bearers were
right in front of his nose. Flair talked up the deadly Crippler, the Rabid 
Wolverine Chris Benoit (and in the process got the crowd to give more of a crap
about Benoit than they had in years) and how Eddie Guerrero's cheat to win
attitude was right in line for the elite unit of the dirtiest player in the game
and how Eddie's blood and family was the embodiment of professional wrestling.
All three men then did the Horsemen symbol one more time and left Flair in the
ring bleeding.

In the back, that wacky Goldust was dressed up as one of the Men In Black and
walked up on X-Pac and did a funny skit where he kept talking about aliens and
stuff. Then Goldust took out a laser pointer and said it was a neurilizer and 
he'd have to wipe X-Pac's mind and shined the laser pointer in X-Pac's face, 
but X-Pac screamed "MY RETINA!" and covered his eyes in agony.

In the ring area, the Big Show, Planet Stasiak and the reckless Jeff Hardy 
started up the #1 contender hardcore brawl, but the match really picked up when
the arena lighting turned red, some crazy-ass organ music played and with a huge
burst of pyro, out came...KANE! In the match, Stasiak bumped around like a big
retard and Jeff Hardy took crazy-ass bumps, but Kane cleaned house and finally
knocked out the Big Show with a huge Tombstone to become the #1 contender for
the hardcore title. As Kane stood in the ring, the Undertaker came out onto the
stage and did the black power salute and, after a few seconds, Kane raised his
fist back to the Undertaker and UT smiled and pumped his fist, feeling pretty
good about himself.

In the back, Kevin Nash came back to the nWo locker room where medics told him
that Goldust's hilarious Men In Black bit had taken a turn for the tragic and 
the laser pointer he was using accidentally scarred X-Pac's retinas, temporarily
blinding him. Nash ran his fingers through his hair to indicate that he was
upset that he no longer had a tag partner for the main event, then he stomped
off to go find someone, but fell right through some rotted floorboards to the
level below! The medics ran to the hole in the floor to see if Nash was OK, but
Nash climbed back up through the hole and was fine.

In the ring, Booker T and Goldust came out and waited to see what Nash was going
to do about not having a partner. The nWo music played and Nash came out but
demanded they stop the music. Then he told them to play up the "other song" and
Shawn Michaels' old music played and out came HBK! Nash said that Booker and
Goldust just got themselves a match against two dudes with attitudes. Then Nash
coughed, but I think he was actually saying "Scott Hall" and just pretended he
was coughing.

HBK's return to the ring was exciting and triumphant as he worked the entire
match for his side, taking on both Booker and Goldust while Nash occassionally
punched or choked one when they got to his corner. At the end of the match,
HBK and Booker were both down and going for the hot tags. Booker made it to his
corner first and made the hot tag, but HBK made it to his corner right after
and tagged Nash...but the hot tag broke Nash's hand and Nash screamed in agony.
The match quickly broke down and HBK had to tag himself back in while medical
teams ran out with a stretcher for the injured Nash and Booker and Goldust 
managed to get the pin on HBK while Nash was taken out, clutching his hand in
agony.

As the show was about to end, the cameras found HHH outside, waiting angrily
for Chris Jericho to leave the arena. At that instant, a Jericho smashed a car
through a garage door and tried to drive away from the arena, but HHH dove and
landed on the trunk and smashed out the back window while Jericho floored it.
HHH reached through the back window as Jericho screamed and drove erratically,
but the car hit a big bump and HHH finally slid off the back of the car and
rolled along the ground for about twenty feet. HHH then stood up and watched
Y2J speed off into the night before bellowing "JERICHOOOOOO!" while the credits
came up.