Raw (I Did It...For the Brock)

Jerry Lawler pinned Crash Holly with the Piledriver in 0:06:03.
Rating: ** 1/4

Matt Hardy pinned Justin Credible after Kevin Nash powerbombed Credible
in 0:07:42.
Rating: * 3/4
Click here to see highlights.

Tommy Dreamer defeated William Regal by countout after William Regal slipped on
a pool of Tommy Dreamer's vomit on the outside of the ring and twisted his ankle
or strained his back or some shit and couldn't get back in the ring in 0:12:33.
Rating: -* 3/4
(William Regal retained the European Title.)
Click here to see highlights.

Impromptu Falls-Count-Anywhere Hardcore Match:
Brock Lesnar pinned Rikishi after putting him through the roof of Rikishi's car
with the F5 in 0:01:16. 
Rating: -* 3/4 because it wasn't really a match, but oh shit, dude!
(Brock Lesnar retained the Hardcore Title.)
Click here to see highlights.

Booker T pinned Kevin Nash after a roll up in 0:13:50.
Rating: * 1/4
Click here to see highlights.

[One Horse Town Match]: Loser-Never-Gets-Involved-In-Potential-Horsemen-Related-:
Matters-Again-Town Match with Special Referee Arn Anderson
Eddie Guerrero pinned Buh Buh Ray Dudley after a frog splash in 0:16:22.
Rating: ****
Click here to see highlights.

Rob Van Dam defeated Triple H by DQ after D-Lo ran in and all hell broke lose
in 0:29:33.
Rating: **** 1/2
(Rob Van Dam retained the Intercontinental Championship but blacked out again.)
Click here to see highlights.



Match observations: 

Raw is War opened up with a backstage segment where Raven went into the Hardy
Boys' locker room after watching Matt leave. Raven talked to Jeff and asked how
he was doing after the nWo beating last week and Jeff mumbled something about
living for the moment or whatever. Raven congratulated Jeff on being extremely
tough and said how it sucked that there were no tag titles on Raw, so he gave
two really cheap-looking paper mache tag titles to Jeff for the Hardys to wear
and defend and Jeff was all "Thanks, man!" and took them.

JR and Lawler pretty much ignored that and welcomed everyone to Raw. They talked
about the huge SmackDown main event that saw The Rock get suspended indefinitely
and Chris Benoit get to pick one brand to work for. And of course, HHH won the
amazing golden ticket that would allow him to work on both brands and that he'd
start tonight by taking on RVD in a match for the Intercontinental title, even
though RVD was advised by doctors not to wrestle after blacking out in his match
against D-Lo Brown thanks to extensive injuries he suffered the night before at
the hands of Brock Lesnar at King of the Ring.

JR also pointed out that beloved TV celebrity Kelsey Grammer was in the front
row to watch all the great WWE action. Lawler started to talk about his new
website, mollyhollybigass.tripod.com, which was dedicated to noting that Molly
Holly has a big ass. At that point, Crash Holly came out and told Lawler to 
leave Molly alone or else. So they wrestled and the King pinned Crash with the
Piledriver and said the words "big", "ass" and "Molly" a few times.

In the back, an excited Jeff Hardy showd Matt the belts that Raven gave him, 
but Matt pointed out that the belts were unofficial and therefore worthless,
and were also really cheaply made and probably had asbestos or something in
them. Jeff got angry and said that Matt just didn't want to wrestle as a team
anymore and was blaming Raven as an excuse told Matt to leave him alone. Matt
angrily threw his belt down and told Jeff that he had to go wrestle a match but
to stay away from Raven in the meantime.

Matt Hardy took on Justin Credible in a solid time-filling match that got a lot
more interesting when Kevin Nash made his way down to the ring. While the ref 
was conveniently looking elsewhere, Nash entered the ring and made the sign of
the Kliq to Justin Credible, who got all excited because he thought Nash was
letting him into the nWo or DX or the Kliq or whatever, but Nash then punked him
out and powerbombed him so that a confused Matt Hardy coudl pin him. Nash then
left but seemed pretty pleased with himself and his hair.

In the back, a rather tall looking, giant cowboy hat wearing Heartbreak Kid
Shawn Michaels stood at a blackboard with his back to the camera while X-Pac
and the Big Show sat on a bench watching him as HBK went through a ridiculous
plan with zany diagrams on how the nWo could take out "the awesome Booker T and
his mysterious but equally awesome partner, the great Goldust." X-Pac whined and
asked if this was all necessary, and then "HBK" turned around to reveal himself
as Goldust wearing a big cowboy hat and not really Shawn Michaels at all! 
Before X-Pac and Show could do anything, Booker T ran in from off camera and 
nailed both with Harlem Sidekicks and sent them flying through the blackboard
while Goldust did crotch chops and the HBK muscle poses. Booker T then said
"Now can you dig THAT!" and the two of them ran off.

An angry William Regal took on Tommy Dreamer because last week Tommy threw up
all over him during Regal's match with Chris Nowinski. During the match, the two
battled to the outside. Dreamer pushed Regal up against the barrier at ringside
but Chris Nowinski threw the brass knuckles to Regal, who nailed Dreamer in the
gut with the Power of the Punch. Tommy started to convulse and Regal dove out of
the way, so most of Tommy Dreamer's puke flew into the front row and all over
celebrity guest Kelsey Grammer! Wah-wah-waaaaaah! Kelsey Grammer was all puked
on and stuff, so he gave a good look of "I'm aghast at this situation!" that
would have made Regal proud and ran off. Meanwhile, Tommy ran back into the
ring but Regal slipped on some of the errant puke and hurt himself and couldn't
get back up because the hurl was all slippery and got counted out and when Chris
Nowinski tried to help him up, HE slipped in the vomit, too! I bet they didn't
teach you THAT at Harvard! It was so funny.

In the back, Kevin Nash was returning from his earlier ringside activites and
met up with Shawn Michaels, who helpfully provided exposition for Nash and we,
the viewers, as to why he wasn't around earlier when Goldust was impersonating
him by saying "I just took a dump." He and Nash high-fived and walked into the
nWo locker room, only to find X-Pac and the Big Show out cold in the wreckage
of the blackboard. Just then, Kevin Nash's cell phone rang (his Nokia ring tone
was "Funk #49" by the James Gang) and when he answered it, it was Booker T on 
the other end saying "....SUUUUUUUUUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Nash made an angry
face.

In the parking lot, Brock Lesnar arrived with Paul Heyman. JR and Lawler took 
the time to show clips of the carnage last week when Bradshaw attacked Brock in
the bathroom and was absolutely destroyed en route to losing the hardcore title.
JR said that Bradshaw was still in the hospital with several broken bones and
was in a state of severe shock.

Anyway, while Brock was walking through the garage, a car came zooming at him
but Brock jumped over the car, then stopped it and ripped the door off, pulling
out the driver...RIKISHI! Rikishi was practically shitting himself because he
was so scared and rightly so, because Brock kicked his ass and put him through
the roof of his car with the F5 and Heyman counted a pinfall like it was a
hardcore match because he's a damn camera hog. So Rikishi was all beat up and
was coughing up blood on the floor of the garage, and then when Brock and Lesnar
left, the camera turned around and focused on a van nearby and sitting in the
van was none other than a shocked Undertaker. What's that all about?

Kevin Nash demanded a match with Booker T to defend the nWo honor. They had that
match and Nash had things in control when, suddenly, the old Razor Ramon theme
started playing. Nash was confused like the audience, but then was blown away
when it appeared that Razor Ramon himself, Scott Hall, walked out on stage. But
it was actually just Goldust dressed up as Razor Ramon and Booker T rolled up
the distracted Nash for the pin. We sadly didn't get to hear an interview with
Goldust as Ramon, but he probably would have called himself "Da Gold Guy" and
remember when The Blue Meanie was his sidekick and in ECW he was Da Blue Guy and
it's all very layered and it makes you think.

In the back, Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit confronted Arn Anderson about his
actions last week when he attacked Eddie and Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Then Ric Flair
and Dudley showed up and yelled at Arn, too, then yelled at each other and Arn
broke things up and said that he did what he did because he, Flair and Benoit
will always be Horsemen but Eddie and Dudley were messing that up and coming
between them. Flair said it wasn't up to Double A to decide, so Arn said why
not let Eddie and Buh Buh fight it out and prove that they deserved to even be
walking around near the Natureboy and the Crippler. Arn volunteered to referee
a match. Benoit stammered on aboot how Buh Buh Ray Dudley would never be worthy
of even knowing a Horseman while Flair pointed out that Eddie Guerrero couldn't
be trusted and everyone started pushing everyone around.

Elsewhere, Raven approached D-Lo Brown and told him that everyone in the back
was calling D-Lo a wuss for calling off his match with RVD last week when RVD
passed out (due to injuries sustained at the hands of Brock Lesnar!) instead of
pinning him for the IC title. D-Lo said that it wasn't right and that even if
they are competitors, you can't let another guy get hurt because they have to
look out for each other. Raven said that, all the same, D-Lo looked like a loser
and that he'd "better recognize" that everyone thought he was a wuss now. This
clever use of D-Lo's catchphrase by Raven made D-Lo contemplate the situation
and he left in a huff. A bummed out Jeff Hardy then showed up and told Raven
about Matt not wanting the special belts Raven made, and Raven suggested Jeff
just needed to show Matt how extreme he was again.

Eddie Guerrero took on Buh Buh Ray Dudley with Arn as special guest ref under 
the conditions that whoever lost this match had to but out of the Flair/Benoit
hostilities and never get involved in even vaguely Horsement-related business
ever again and would be conveniently written out of this angle because I don't
think Buh Buh Ray fits in with this and now he can go tag with Tommy Dreamer
in that whole terrible puke angle I have running in the lower card next week.
Whoops! I said too much.

So yeah, anyway, at the end of the match, Arn nailed Buh Buh with a Spinebuster
and Eddie pinned him with the Frog Splash. Arn turned to Flair and looke d for
approval, but Flair shook his hand and said "That'th not the way it'th 
thuppothed to be, Enforther!" and left. Benoit and Eddie tried to congratulate
Arn for a job well done, but Arn looked pissed with himself and pushed the two
of them out of his way and ran after Flair.

For the main event, Triple H hit the ring and cut some bore-ass promo about how
he took out the Rock and beat Benoit to win the Golden-uh Ticket-uh and now he
can go where he wants and is that damn good-uh. JR and Lawler showed the footage
of Brock Lesnar destroying RVD at King of the Ring and RVD's subsequent blackout
at Raw last week against D-Lo Brown and noted that doctors begged RVD not to
compete this week, but RVD demanded he be allowed to defend his title. Despite
clearly being in no shape to compete, RVD put on an incredible match againt the
dominant Triple H. At the end, HHH had RVD set up for a Pedigree, but RVD just
slumped to the mat. HHH roared to the crowd, but RVD found one last reservoir
of strength and got to his feet...and that's when D-Lo Brown stormed the ring
and smashed RVD in the head with a chair, causign a DQ.

HHH flipped out and nailed the ref with a Pedigree, then, as D-Lo yelled at the
KO'd RVD, HHH grabbed D-Lo and gave him a Pedigree, too. At that moment, Jeff
Hardy tore out of the crowd and scaled the turnbuckles, throwing himself with
reckless abandon (not ruthless agression) at HHH, who caught him and slammed him
to the mat before giving him a Pedigree. A shocked Matt Hardy saw this in the 
back and ran to the ring to save his brother from further Pedigrees, asking HHH
to spare him. This gave medics a chance to come to the ring and take RVD out on
a stretcher. It also gave a sneaky Raven time to sneakily sneak out of the crowd
and pull D-Lo and Jeff out of the ring. HHH listened to Matt's pleas and agreed
to Pedigree him.

As the medics were taking RVD out on the stretcher, the Next Big Thing Brock
Lesnar came out and flipped the stretcher over, sending RVD sprawling to the 
floor in a heap. Security poured out to pull Lesnar off and as the crowd went
nuts and the camera tilted up and zoomed into a darkened Superbox, where the
Undertaker sat looking concerned. MAH GAWD!